That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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