she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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