I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
