Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
