i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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