oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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