you would pick up someone in the library
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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