Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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