Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
