So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
