Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
