In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
