I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
