Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There's always time for handjobs
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
