if i can run in heels then i can drive
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i drank out of a bidet.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
