apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
