Define "chronic" masturbator.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
