My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
