i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
