3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
