apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
