for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
