also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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