We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
