at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
