I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
