i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
