i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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