I showed him my bush... on skype.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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