Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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