That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
