Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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