Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
