I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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