I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
