You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
