I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
