did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
