shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
