he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
