Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
