The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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