I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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