we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
