We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
