The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
