i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
