I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
