sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
