God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There are leaves in my underwear?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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