Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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